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Post by majestyjo on Jul 16, 2018 19:07:56 GMT -5
 Quick Jokes: "Not Too Swift" Edition A woman goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" she tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me". The woman says, "well wait - I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!" -------- An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "What else? 'Here boy!'" he replies. -------- A guy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts the guy, "this is her husband!" |
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Post by majestyjo on Jul 17, 2018 12:18:06 GMT -5
 “What do you call a water bottle without a cap? De-cap-itated.” When Jesus Was Born Saints Dominic, Francis of Assisi, and Ignatius of Loyola are transported back in time and place to the birth of Our Lord.St. Dominic, seeing the Incarnation of the Word, is sent into ecstasy.St. Francis, seeing God become a helpless child, is overcome with humility.St. Ignatius of Loyola takes Mary and Joseph aside and asks, “Have you given any thought to his education?” |
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Post by caressa222 on Jul 18, 2018 23:15:49 GMT -5
 A rerun - Still a pretty lady. A woman looks in the mirror and says I look fat and then asks her husband to give her a compliment he says ok you have perfect eye sight. |
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Post by majestyjo on Jul 23, 2018 14:19:04 GMT -5
 This is funny It is what I do every day when I look at the cartoon. Is it funny? It has to make the Majesty Jo's funny bone twinge. Is it a rerun? Is it funny enough to repeat. Some are my all time favourites and get air play every time they appear; like the cat with the hat. That is my joke of the day. It is on me. |
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Post by caressa222 on Jul 26, 2018 18:56:19 GMT -5
 A Florist's Mistake A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location." Read more on page: www.jokesoftheday.net/ |
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Post by majestyjo on Jul 29, 2018 19:37:43 GMT -5
 Why are frogs always so happy? They eat what ever bugs them, I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.  |
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Post by caressa222 on Jul 30, 2018 21:20:44 GMT -5
AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU ARE CLEAN AND SOBER??? |
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Post by caressa222 on Aug 3, 2018 22:56:59 GMT -5
  You should have seen me trying to beat the clock. It was a joke on me. The cards of the day change at midnight, and I wanted to post the Humour card and I had to rush to post it before midnight or I would have lost it. I do have to admit to an anxious moment. I did say a prayer and my God saw me through. Because I don't like red wavy lines, I had to change the American spelling into Canadian. As a result this joke is before and after midnight. |
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Post by caressa222 on Aug 6, 2018 22:59:13 GMT -5
  My wife was going through her wardrobe and said 'Look at this, it still fits me after 25 years'
I said 'It's a freaking scarf' |
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Post by caressa222 on Aug 7, 2018 23:14:30 GMT -5
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Post by majestyjo on Aug 11, 2018 22:11:01 GMT -5
 Baby Joke 1 What does a baby computer call his father? Data. Baby Joke 2 Did you hear about the witch who had the ugliest baby in the world? She didn’t push the pram – she pulled it. Baby Joke 3 What was the policeman’s baby’s first words ? Hallo, Hallo, Hallo ! Baby Joke 4 Knock knock. Who’s there? Baby Owl. Baby Owl who? Baby Owl see you later, baby not. Baby Joke 5 How can you tell if a snake is a baby snake? It has a rattle. Baby Joke 6 What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby snake? Stop crying and viper your nose. Baby Joke 7 What do baby pythons play with? Rattle-snakes. Baby Joke 8 What would you get if you crossed a new-born snake with a basketball? A bouncing baby boa. Baby Joke 9 What is a baby bee? A little humbug. |
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Post by majestyjo on Dec 10, 2018 16:00:06 GMT -5
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Post by majestyjo on Dec 10, 2018 16:04:38 GMT -5
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Post by majestyjo on Dec 23, 2018 10:42:12 GMT -5
WITTY SAYINGS
- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
- How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
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Post by majestyjo on Dec 23, 2018 10:45:26 GMT -5
Our kindergarten class went to the fire station for a tour and some instruction in fire safety. The fireman was explaining what to do in case of a fire. He said, "First, go to the door and feel the door to see if it's hot." Then he said, "Fall to your knees. Does anyone know why you ought to fall to your knees?"
One of the little tykes said, "Sure, to start praying to ask God to get us out of this mess!"
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There was a five-year-old attending a formal wedding some years ago. The girl was sitting with her grandmother. She had been in Sunday school but had never attended a formal church service.
During the wedding, the minister said, "Let us pray." Each person bowed his head in prayer. The little girl looked around and saw all the heads bowed and eyes turned toward the floor and she cried: "Grandmother, what are they all looking for?"
From bluidkiti.com
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Post by majestyjo on Dec 26, 2018 0:02:02 GMT -5
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Post by majestyjo on Jan 10, 2019 7:10:55 GMT -5
 Everything is better with bacon. |
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Post by caressa222 on Jan 29, 2019 19:23:29 GMT -5
Cyclic Number
Not really a joke ... just a tiny bit of math fun.
142857 is a cyclic number - its digits always appear in the
same order but will rotate around when multiplied by any
number from 1 to 6:
142857 x 1 = 142857
142857 x 2 = 285714
142857 x 3 = 428571
142857 x 4 = 571428
142857 x 5 = 714285
142857 x 6 = 857142
Pretty cool, huh? Now multiply 142857 by 7. (Spoiler below.)
\/
\/
\/
142857 x 7 = 999999
Courtesy of bluidkiti
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Post by caressa222 on Jan 29, 2019 19:28:46 GMT -5
Do Not Wash Your Hair In The Shower!
It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful.
It involves the shampoo when it runs down your body while
you shower with it. Shampoo Warning! I don't know WHY I
didn't figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the
shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on
the shampoo label is this claim:
"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."
No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I have gotten
rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with
Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads:
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower.
Originated at bluidkiti.com
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Post by majestyjo on Feb 6, 2019 8:31:30 GMT -5
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. I will be back looking for Lin and others.