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Post by frogdog on Mar 27, 2004 22:35:38 GMT -5
Day 11.
Tiger, Thank you for the link. I am going to look at this tomorrow when I am hoping to feel better.
My allergies are a mess right now, so I feel like I have a flu...my foot is possibly fractured from dropping a bike on it last week (and, no, I have not stayed off of it...never realized how important a foot can be in one's every day doings.)...my husband and I had an awful argument last night....but, I didn't go out and have a beer, though I did think about it.
I find my drinking thoughts are often a type of reaction...an "f you" to myself or my loved ones. They are also thoughts of celebration: "let's toast to that! and That!" And, sometimes thoughts of destruction, as in "let me die." I know that if I drink, I will die. It is evident every time I do it, even when I don't get drunk, that it is all leading up to one fatal time.
So, today I did not drink, and neither tonight. Who knows what tomorrow brings (yes, it's a line from an 80's romance song), but I suspect it will bring me closer to finishing a paper and doing laundry, not a bar.
Good night to all.
Peace,
Frogdog.
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Post by Tiger on Mar 28, 2004 11:27:43 GMT -5
Hi Frogdog,
I find my drinking thoughts are often a type of reaction...an "f you" to myself or my loved ones
That's called "conditional sobriety" where our sobriety is contingent on people, places and things....out of ourselves.
Long term sobriety demand "unconditional surrender" as in DINAO - Drinking is *not* an option"......no matter what!!
Tiger
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Post by Caressa2 on Mar 28, 2004 13:35:12 GMT -5
Heard a girl share, "How many times did I drink to someone else's health?"
How little I was aware of what it was doing to my own. My father fell asleep with a cigarette in his hand and a glass or bottle in the other, I lived in fear with him for ten years. My husband became loud, abusive and violent when he drank. I compared myself to them. If you didn't see me drink it, unless you knew me really well, you wouldn't have known I drank.
The reality was, I could out drink them both and I had the resentment when the booze was gone, they were passed out, and there was nothing left for me.
I had the thinking problem, not a drinking problem like they did!
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Post by frogdog on Mar 30, 2004 14:17:46 GMT -5
Day 12...well, sort of. I missed coming here for two days. A crazy schedule this week.
One good thing about being super busy is I don't have time to drink. And, I don't even think of drinking.
I am working on balance in my life.
Thanks for the support.
Gotta run.
Frogdog
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Post by dordep on Apr 1, 2004 0:31:38 GMT -5
Dear (((Frogdog))), Been following along on your posts tonight for the first time. Congrads on your one day.... Yesterday is a cancelled check, tomorrow is a promissary note, but TODAY is CASH ON HAND. I've been sober quite a while now, odaat, but if I pick up a drink, time doesn't matter. It's what have I got to do today...to stay sober. You haven't mentioned whether or not you have a sponsor or attend face to face meetings or meetings online...might be a good idea for you but that is up to you. There are some good meetings online at 11:00 am est at www.recoverychat.comAlso, the 12 steps, are the program of recovery and the meetings are the fellowship. Perhaps a trusted sponsor that you might try, could help you get into the steps and learn the program of recovery. Wishing, hoping and praying for you to stay sober for one day. Do you have any literature such as the pamphlets, the Big Book, or a one day at a time meditation book...those are also a big help to carry you thru things. Keep up the good work and if you want to drink today, just put it off till tomorrow, cuz when you wake up, you can't wake up tomorrow because it's always today....hope that helps too. You had mentioned Ginger Beer...that may have a small percentage of alcohol in it too just like non-alcoholic beer. You mentioned you might invest in a case of it....i have one question ....if you wanted to drink would you buy a case of milk?  ??  love ya, |
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Post by johnnysgirl on Apr 1, 2004 8:54:00 GMT -5
Dear Frog Dog----Your name to me is real intriguing. FROG=FIND RELIANCE ON GOD and DOG=God spelled backwards!!! Do ya realize what a strong and spiritual screen name you chose??? "God could and would if he were sought" I really like what Tiger said about unconditional surrender. I got to be
very stubborn about my sobriety and not let anything or anybody get in the way of it. Step one is the only step that has to be done 100% and the unconditional surrender is a major part of that step. Hang in and Hang on!!!!
Johnny's Girl
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Post by frogdog on Apr 2, 2004 0:08:45 GMT -5
Hey Johnny's Girl,
Thanks for the stay-in-today response. I again have missed a day due to very long clinical days yesterday and today. So, I've decided not to count days anymore. Just one day today.
Ginger beer has no alcohol in it at all. The only reason I would buy a case is that the kind I like, which has hot pepper in it (capsium) I can't find in town very often. So, I order it on line, and you really have to buy in bulk when you order w/ a credit card.
However, when I did buy the case of ginger brew last year, I did consider the addictive nature of buying a case. So you make a good point.
I do have the literature, but don't have a sponsor.
One reason I don't go to meetings here is that I have met a number of former clients at meetings. Honestly, I really don't mind this, but I feel really bad when they get uncomfortable. One of the reasons I left that job was I felt incredibly hypocritical! And, I know I shouldn't worry about anyone else's recovery buy my own, but I feel really bad when I get the distinct feeling that someone is uncomfortable being at a meeting because I'm there.
I have a really strong inner faith, and pretty good coping skills (these, I learned to develop, but the faith has stayed with me through life). I'm hoping these things with this on-line group will be what I need. I'm aware, though, that it may take more.
Also,
thanks for the responses about my user name. I picked it by accident, but am glad I did.
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Post by frogdog on Apr 2, 2004 12:16:50 GMT -5
This is in keeping with Misty's topic about grief or self-pity.
I was exhausted this morning from a cumulative lack of sleep. I "allowed" myself to sleep until 9, which is a big deal for me. I tend to feel guilty if I slack in anyway. This has been an issue more so in the past when I have put these unrealistic expectations on my partners. People who know me think I'm this incredible energetic go-getter, but the reality is that my drive is not energy related but more guilt related.
I've been working on this issue for about 9 years now....learning to pace myself. Yet, it is still difficult for me to give myself a break. Today, I allowed myself to sleep in. And now the pressure is building because I have piled all these things on my to do list. So, I'm writing here and not allowing the pressure to creep in on me.
Frogdog.
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Post by Caressa2 on Apr 2, 2004 15:05:54 GMT -5
Certainly can identify my friend. I had to learn to give myself permission to do certain things, AFTER I examined my motive and intent behind what was happening. My friend says nothing is good or bad, it is the intent and motive behind the thought and action which makes it good or bad for you.
I used my bed for years. Whenever I couldn't deal with life, reality and the situation at hand, I would crawl into my bed and hide, or I would run away from home with the attitude of "make me an offer I can't refuse" so I don't have to stay here and face me!
The same happened with food, work, computer, and meetings.
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Post by bluidkiti on Apr 3, 2004 9:15:43 GMT -5
Frogdog I can certainly relate. That was one of my many problems during my drinking years and in early sobriety. I always felt like I had to be "SuperWoman" and if I wasn't that then I wasn't doing like I should be doing. I had to be doing something all of the time - 24/7. My sponsor started me out by telling me to take 10 minutes a day just for me, then 15 minutes a day and then 30 minutes a day and so on. I can remember feeling guilty taking anytime for myself in the beginning. Then one day I was talking to my mom about her mom (my grandmother). I was like how in the world did she do all she did and with 9 kids. My mom said well grandmama got up real early in the mornings and started her day and then after they had lunch she would tell the kids I am going to lay down for about 30 minutes and then wake me. Mom said they would usually wake her mom after about an hour. Then her mom would get up after her power nap and feel refreshed ready to go again. Like my grandmother I start my day real early - I have to get one of my daughters up by 5:30 am for her to get ready for school and time she gets out the door it is time to get another one up and so on. I have to get my 3 daughters up for school and hubby up for work. Everyone is usually out the door by 8:45am but sometimes I may have to take someone to school. Then there are errands to run, chores to do, etc and by lunchtime I am pooped and after lunch I try to take a break for at least 30 minutes before the kids come home from school. Now I know not everyone is a stay at home mom but I have even worked a job outside the home for a bit since getting sober and I still managed to get some time for me during the day. It's like I tell my hubby - if you don't take care of you then who else is? It's not being selfish to take care of ourselves in doing so (taking care of ourselves) we are much nicer to be around.   Thanks for letting me share. Love, Tammy |
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Post by tired on Apr 3, 2004 23:08:55 GMT -5
Dear Frogdog although iam not in your shoes I have a 24 year old son who is an addict.I am praying for you as you continue to recover.There is always hope when we are alive and willing to give ourselfes a chance.The light is there if we open our eyes to to see.the voice is there if we take the time to listen we will feel when we open our heartsto all, take time to smell the flowers and taste the sweet flavor of victory. wishing to well on your journey
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Post by frogdog on Apr 5, 2004 20:50:49 GMT -5
Today I took time for myself by biking to school. Kills two birds...three birds, really...with one stone. Tammy, I have to say that you have the toughest job as a stay at home mom, especially when it comes to staying sober in that role. I can not work a job like that as it would have too much unstructured time. I made it through the weekend without a drink (unstructured time), though I actually thought about biking to an outside cafe on Sunday and having a beer. Isn't that insane!!! When I drink more than a few beers, I feel so depressed that I want to die, so WHY would I risk my sobriety by thinking one beer would be okay....especially when I will end up back to drinking more than one? But, I didn't do it. I have to remind myself to drink enough fluids because when I'm thirsty I find myself thinking of cold beer. I have to be sure to get enough sleep because when I don't, I get stressed and it leads me to cope badly. I have to eat well, because when I don't I think about taking myself out for a special dinner...which means alcohol. I have to be sure I exercise, because when I don't I feel badly about myself and want to drink. Daily maintenance. Not looking up the word "maintenance" because I don't have to be perfect at spelling. Accepting myself and thus opening my heart toward others. Thank you guys for not judging me when I miss two days in a row of coming here. Caressa, I wanted to tell you that I too used to use my bed for escape. Always, it involved using another person...falling into ill-faited relationships because I'd gotten drunk on the first "date" and been intimate before knowing who he was. Drinking is nothing to look forward to. Peace, Frogdog. |
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Post by Caressa2 on Apr 5, 2004 22:57:20 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing my friend. When I read your post the thought that came to mind was, "Happiness, love and peace are where the heart are!" We have put our heart in some very unhealthy places and situations, and we wondered why we weren't happy; but worse still, blaming it on the other people instead of being responsible for our own choices.
Always looking outside of ourselves to make 'me' feel better. I can still do it in recovery, although not in so many unhealthy ways. It is certain a pattern I have needed to change in my life.
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Post by preciouschihua on Apr 6, 2004 12:29:20 GMT -5
I am catching up on the posts. This is very good. I am remembering when I went through my forst 90 days and I am reading some of the very same things. Keep posting, I will try to respond more offten. You are doing great. feel free to message me too. Suz here 2 and 1/2 years sobriety .  |
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Post by dordep on Apr 6, 2004 20:06:26 GMT -5
;D
Dear Frogdog,
Sorry I haven't posted back to you since my first reply...I have been sick and have to have some nuclear scans on my heart to rule out heart disease.
I have had many illnesses in my 23 years of sobriety, one day at a time. I thought i was ok and no damage was done to me from the alcohol....but for the last 18 months of my drinking, alcohol made the state take my kids away from me and still today they do not talk to me. But I don't use that as a reason to pick up a drink. At 5 years sober, they had to remove my stomach and build me a 3 oz. pouch so i could continue to eat.
I also have alcoholic neuropathy in my hips and spine and it just showed up 2 years ago. Now i sometimes have to use a walker or a cane...somedays I can walk without either.
I read where some of your (clients/patients)(if i read it right), were at the same meeting as you when you went and you felt sorry for them. I identified with you to a point. For 17 years I was a alcohol/substance abuse counselor and attained the credentials of CADAC, NCAC II. I am very proud of that but NEVER let it interfere with my own recovery. In fact my former patients and clients said I was a power of example to them, still seeing me at meetings after being sober for quite a few years.
I hope you don't think that was a braggard statement. I really thank God that he gave me the gift of helping other druggies and alkies. But if i don't take care of me first, I won't be around to help anyone...i'll be drunk and in my case, DEAD !
Keep up the good work, my friend. I'm praying for you daily.
Love ya,
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Post by frogdog on Apr 6, 2004 22:23:13 GMT -5
Dorrie,
Thank you for sharing. You have had some painful experiences. I admire that you keep your chin up, as it sounds like you do. I also admire that you are a dedicated addictions counselor. It's not bragging to be proud of what you do.
One reason I didn't stay in the addictions field for more than a few years was because I was actively drinking (weekends, only, of course...so that made it acceptable, you know.) and I felt like a hypocrite. Also, I had the ability to recommend jail time for clients, and I didn't like that role.
The last 12-step-meeting I went to was an early morning one, and this one guy...he used to be in one of my groups and I knew all this stuff about him...rode up on his bike. He couldn't have been planning to go anywhere else at this church as it was 7 a.m. and there wasn't anything open. But, he saw me and I went in the door, and he never came in. I felt really bad about that. I know I only should worry about my own sobriety, but it really sucked that he didn't feel comfortable staying, and I assume it was because of my presence. I never felt sorry for him, but just sorry that he didn't feel he could trust me or that he felt he had to avoid me.
I worked out today and I feel really good. I know that working out always makes me feel good, but I find it so difficult to get motivated lately. If I had to work hard to get drunk, and the drunk feeling was as subtle as the feeling I have after working out, I probably would never really want to drink.
Caressa, again a response to you: I go through these periods where I obsess about moving. It seems like it's the only thing that will make me happy...to move out west. But, then these periods subside and I feel so happy in my garden that I can't imagine leaving my home. The struggle is finding happiness in every moment, or at least staying in the now of every moment, so that I am not blaming my depression on my location. I am starting to see that my depression is an illness that will not be solved by quick fixes.
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Post by dordep on Apr 7, 2004 21:20:48 GMT -5
 Dear (((Frogdog))) I can understand how you must have felt when that man saw you and didn't go into the meeting...hopefully he went to another one. I'm glad you answered me as I felt that I have alot in common with you. I hope you keep on keeping on. I'm still praying for you daily. Hope you stay well, just for today. Today is tough enough to deal with without trying to go into tomorrow.... I hope to start an AA meeting at this site on a monday night when I get all my nuclear medicine tests on my heart done and hopefully they will turn out ok. Hopefully, maybe i'll see you at that meeting. I'll let everyone know when it is gonna start. Again, God bless and have a great 24 ! love ya,
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Post by frogdog on Apr 9, 2004 23:01:00 GMT -5
I can't believe it's been three days since my last post. It seems like I only posted yesterday, but the time just goes so fast. Finals are coming up and my last giant paper, so I'm expecting the stress to start piling. So far, I've been able to stay on top of it.
Dorrie,
Monday nights for a group would be great with me unless my schedule changes. I hope my summer schedule will leave that night open because I would very much like to participate.
I'm sorry to hear about your ill health. It's really scary to undergo invasive procedures like a nuclear heart scan. I'll keep you in my prayers as well. If you have to go into the hospital make sure all the nurses and doctors coming in and out of your room WASH THEIR HANDS!!! It's amazing how many don't, and many resistant infections are spread in hospitals that way. Just be aware. Really, I'll pray for you.
Today was a good, productive day.
Peace,
Frogdog
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Post by johnnysgirl on Apr 10, 2004 7:23:08 GMT -5
Dear Frog Dog----This sure is a long post!!! It is good to see that you have triggered so many different responses from so many differnet people. I have been told that depression is anger turned inward. I find it real interesting that you feel
sleeping extra hours is a sign of depression. There is an old saying that you should "sleep on it" before ya
make a decision. Lots of interesting stuff has been brought up and I thank you for your continuous posting. Good
Luck to you!!!----Mistyeve
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Post by Caressa2 on Apr 10, 2004 10:44:01 GMT -5
Dear Frogdog,
Sleeping is a sign of depression. Depression is also a part of grief. Being in early recovery, you go through a stage of depression, and as you go through more changes in recovery, letting go of people, places and things, you will experience more.
The knowingness and awareness of it will help you adjust in your new life. So many people go to a doctor and say, "I am depressed!" They are given a pill with no thought of the root cause. A chemical imbalance needs medication, and depression brought on my grief does not. The only medication it needs is a Twelve Step Program and some MEDITATION with your Higher Power.
I think that is why people fight "change" in their life because they don't like the process, yet when you get to the other side, the time and effort has always been worth it for me, especially when I accept what "is" in the moment.
I am continually going through grief as a result of my fibromyalgia, some of that is my trouble accepting that I cannot do what I want to do, when I want to do it! Which means I need to take it to my Higher Power for an attitude adjustment. I am going through the loss of my aunt who just passed away. Not just my aunt herself, but the things I use to do with her. i.e. picking up the phone and asking how you bake this or that, having luch with her, etc.
I have a friend who relapsed as a result of his pain and now he is back in the program grieving the loss of his drug of choice, which took away the pain, but so much more from his life. In today, he is grieving the loss of his leg which was amputated three days ago as a result of not taking care of his diabetes. We abuse our bodies for years and often when we sober up, we find out the results of that neglect. He has had heart and leg surgery several times over the last few years.
Frog means cleansing and Dog means loyal friend, so I will say, "Keep up the good work my clean and sober friend, keep doing the do things, one day at a time!"
If you want to move that is okay, just remember you take you with you. Geographical cures are a part of recovery, often they don't work, it depends on the motive and intent behind them.
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. I will be back looking for Lin and others.