90 in 90

[frogdog]

This will be my official first day of 90 in 90.

I was hungover yesterday, though ever so slightly.

Still, I woke up so depressed I thought about suicide. (No plan, no time, not high risk, so don't worry )

I remember my last big binge (July 14, 2002) when I woke the next day knowing I would die if I continued to drink. So, a year of sobriety and what do I do? Pick up! Three binges in a year, and I'm back to square one. Except, I guess it's not really square one. I have the tools to quit now, and the knowledge that I can do it.

Last night I didn't sleep worth a darn. Probably due to my system being poisoned.

Today, I am taking it one day at a time. The end of spring break and back to school. My mind felt depressed and wanted to think of all the pending work I have. But, for the most part, I stayed focused on the moment. So, I got through another day.

At the end of my last class a thought entered my mind that I could go to a bar and drink a guinness. I was hungry and thinking that the guinness is as thick as food. I caught myself thinking it and went back to reality. But, it was scary to know the pervasiveness of this disease...ever sneaky.

Peace,

Frogdog

[frogdog]

Okay, I've already missed a day. This semester is just so busy that I can't keep up.

So, I'll start over. Day one.

Last night I did go to the gym. It felt good, as I have let go of my exercise program this past month. I think I will use my slacking off of exercise as a gage as to how I'm doing otherwise. It seems like when I slack off, that's when everything starts to melt down. If I stay on top of my eating, exercising, schoolwork, then I'm able to sleep a lot better, and I don't end up drinking. I tend to drink when I'm on "vacation." I thought about that today how it seems like on vacation I feel this emptyness and a strong desire to go drink.

Today, I accomplished a lot, if not all of my daily goals. It's a good day, though I think I need to start working on having 10 minutes a day of peace and quiet time, where I just sit.

Peace,

Frogdog

[frogdog]

Day two. A few brief moments thinking about how I will "never again be able to sit in an outside cafe and have a lusty beer..." Then, rethinking: "if I don't drink forever I'll never blackout and get hit by a car..." Then, further rethinking, "if I don't drink tonight, I'll feel good tomorrow..." and finally, "I'll have a burrito now instead."

What a beautiful day!

[bluidkiti]

Hey Frogdog, Congrats on day 2! We live in today - one day at a time - this 24 hours. Just for today we don't take a drink.

You know we can eat or drink anything we want as long as it doesn't have alcohol in it and there leaves alot that we can drink or eat.

During the last years I drank, I was a beer drinker though I had drank about everything during my drinking years but I went to the beer finally, thinking I could handle that better. hahahaha - NOT. Anywhos I stopped drinking in June, 2000 and during those hot summer months that year occasionally a thought of how a nice cold beer would be great. Well instead of having a beer which I really didn't want anyway I drank Perrier Lime Flavored water. I would pour it over ice. It comes in a nice bottle and looks cool. Normal folks I know who tasted it would blow it out of their mouths saying how can you drink this stuff. LOL I could drink it because I once drank beer like it was water. Today I haven't drank Perrier Lime Flavored water in a very, very long time. It sure helped to get me through those first hot summer months and I also would drink it sometimes at any parties I had to go to and now don't have to drink it. My sponsor shared with me in the beginning that I could drink or eat anything that I wanted to as long as it had no alcohol in it and I have stuck with that. I know other folks who have done the same sort of thing, some drank Ginger Ale or Seltzer water - whatever works to keep a drink out of your hand. Just thought I would pass this on - hope it helps you to make that 90 in 90 plus. Keep coming back!

Love,
Tammy

[frogdog]

Day three.

Wow, Tammy! You reminded me of what I did back at the beginning of my one year sobriety. I found this drink called Ginger beer, which is non-alcoholic and doesn't even resemble beer except it is in a bottle. It's made in Jaimaca and there's a certain kind put out by Goya that you can order on line. It costs like, 59 cents a bottle! A pint of brew is what, 3-4 dollars?! And, it is really tasty. It has pepper in it, so it's hot, fizzy and gingery...not sweet. I think I'll invest in a case.

I used to try to quit by switching to non-alcoholic beer...I can't think of the name of it, but it's popular. The problem is it tastes a lot like real beer, so you tend to slam them because you don't get buzzed. Then you realize you're still chasing a buzz. Does that make sense? I don't do that with the ginger beer or sodas or tea.

Went the whole day without even thinking of beer. Worked out, completed my papers, visited my nursing home friend and got him outside. It was a really good day. Glad to be feeling healthy.

Peace,

Frogdog

[Caressa2]

Congratulations on day three!!!

They say non-alcoholic beer, but in truth there is .05% beer in it, just enough to start a craving.

I have known several people who have relapsed because of it.

Personally, I hated beer. Never drank more than one from the time I was ten and tasted my first drink (communion wine I stole) and my last drink a glass of white wine with my dinner on August 20, 1991.

It helped nurture my denial, I can't be an alcoholic, I don't like beer! Yet when my husband was too drunk to finish his last beer, I would empty the bottle rather than leave it on the table. Today I know he was a drunk, I am the alcoholic with the stinking thinking.

[bluidkiti]

I agree with Caressa - nonalcoholic beer actually does have alcohol in it. Make sure you read the ingredients before you drink or eat anything. I don't eat or drink anything with alcohol in it - not even if it is cooked and they say it is ok but this is just me. I am not taking any chances. I also read the ingredients on any products I use - examples - mouthwash, cough syrup etc.

Don't forget when you go to your doctor to tell them so they don't prescribe anything with alcohol in it. I had that happen early in sobriety even though I had told my doctor I was an alcoholic. I had just gotten the prescription in my hand from the pharmacist when I thought - hey, does this have alcohol in it? Sure enough it did. I told the pharmacist I couldn't take that and gave it back. They called my doctor who prescribed me something else that had no alcohol in it. He updated my record the next time I saw him but I still remind them when he/she is prescribing me something.

That is great Frogdog that you made it through the day without thinking about drinking. I use to plan my day in the mornings after I got up and did my daily readings/meditations/prayers. I usually found that my day wouldn't always go as planned but I became flexible. But having a plan for the day helps.

It's the weekend so hang in there. You are doing great. Keep taking it one day at a time and coming back!

Love,
Tammy

[frogdog]

I don't seem to get triggered by cooked alcohol, like certain mushroom dishes that contain sugar. But, I don't like having alcohol in the house, so unless I happen to order something with cooked sherry when I'm out, I don't often eat it.

What triggers me almost solely is time off. I do GREAT when I'm in school or working, or when I have schoolwork. But, any week-long or longer break is really a problem. I haven't totally figured out my issue of being sober when I'm on vacation. I think it may be related to my A-type personality....very driven.

This morning I was up by 8 and made an apple pie (from scratch, of course ;D). It was lovely to have the pie baked and kitchen cleaned by 10:30 when my husband got up. While that driven productivity is what gets me in trouble with the alcohol, it is also what keeps me feeling in control of my life. Isn't that funny how our worst qualities are also our best ones?

It felt good to be up somewhat early and to feel the cool morning and hear the woken birds. A lovely start to a good weekend.

Day 4.

Peace and thank you so much for your comments!

Frogdog

p.s. Caressa, I am confused how your husband was a drunk but not an alcoholic. Does it have something to do with not worrying about other people's stuff and only looking at our own?

[frogdog]

Day 5.

Last night I had a dream that I was on break and I drank mixed drinks. In my dream, I was thinking: "I'm not supposed to be drinking!" yet also thinking, "everyone does it...I don't really have a problem."

I remember in the beginning of my one year sobriety, I had dreams like this often. My subconsious mind is trying to justify my drinking behavior as normal, but my aware mind is trying to keep me safe.

Looking at my alcoholism as a struggle between my subconscious and aware mind, I recognize that my subconscious mind tells me I am inferior, bad, ugly, worthless. My aware mind is forgiving, reasonable, loving and sees my humanity.

The key may be to stay within my aware mind...stay conscientious and in the moment.

I am going to go study. Thanks for letting me share.

Frogdog

P.S. I am showing as an "oldtimer" next to my name. I'm definitely not an old timer, but will be one day!

[Caressa2]

Dear Frogdog,

My husband may have got drunk, but it isn't up to me to say he is an alcoholic. He got drunk, he got violent, he had black outs which I never had. I remembered everything, often I wished I didn't.

I stayed in my denial about my own disease because I always compared myself to him and my dad and I didn't want to wear a label I had put on them. In today, it doesn't matter whether he is an alcoholic, or my father was an alcoholic who died as a result of his disease (he had angina and his nitro glycerin were all over the dresser and the floor when they found his body)

[frogdog]

Day 6.

Caressa,

I thought that's what you meant: we need to stay focused on our own stuff and not get sidetracked by anyone else's. Makes sense. It's also a practice in letting go of judgment....because it's not up to us to decide who is or isn't an alcoholic, but only look at ourselves.

Last night was a rough night. I woke up thinking about all the bad things I am, and thinking about how unlovable I am. I started crying and my husband woke up. He told me he loved me and that I am lovable. Then I felt bad for waking him, though he helped me be able to go back to sleep.

I think I use alcohol as a way to make myself feel more lovable, though I am not sure how that works. I know after I drink, I feel depressed, so you would think I would not use alcohol. But, somewhere in my drunkeness, I must feel okay about myself then, or maybe it helps me to forget how horrible I am. Otherwise, the pull wouldn't be so strong. Does anyone know how that works?

Today, I called a friend and told her about my night last night, how I woke up crying. She offered to buy me a slice of pizza. You know, I actually took her up on it. I'm learning how to accept gifts. I'm learning how to not be so d**ned in control and perfect all of the time, and to just loosen up and accept a slice of pizza from a friend! I mean, I know she cares, so why not let her tend to me?

Anyway. It's day 6, and I'm okay right now.

[Caressa2]

Kewl! Pizza sounds good to me, and a friend in a time of need, is a friend indeed as they say.

I think what you are refering to my friend is our disease. It tells us we don't have it. We are just "fine" and if you don't know what that means, the polite words are, "Fearful, insecure, neurotic and enjoying it!" There are varying versions, but it all means the same.

We are our own worst enemy and no one hurts us more than we hurt ourselves over the years. It is time to stop running, stop hurting, and let go of the past, a day at a time. We don't pretend it didn't happen, in fact in recovery, it is one of our biggest assets. Been there done it, don't have to go back there, but we can share with someone else what it was like, what happened and what it is like today.

I am not my actions when I was in active addiction. When I came into recovery, I didn't know who I was. One of the greatest gifts I was given were the words, "God doesn't make no junk!" I am not a bad person trying to get good; I am a sick person who is suffering from a disease over which she has no power over, who is trying to heal and get better.

Through the Grace of the God of my understanding, the Fellowship of the Spirit of several Twelve-Step Programs, I am healing one day at a time. I try not to look at how far I have to go, but how far I have come, and that I am a walking miracle, who hasn't drank or drugged for one day, I haven't used another person or place (my bed) to escape my own reality, and I have learned to live in today, one day at a time.

[Caressa2]

This on my site: groups.msn.com/TheSpiritofHealing

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?

--The Wicked Queen

"Ugly, ugly!" This is often what we think as we look in the mirror. There are days when we feel ugly no matter how we comb our hair or wear our clothes. There are days when we feel like mistakes dressing up as people.

Criticizing ourselves on the outside is usually caused by the way we feel inside. When we measure ourselves by our physical appearance, we will always feel let down. No one can always be the fairest of them all.

Slowly we are beginning to understand how our real glow comes from the inside. We are meeting people in recovery who aren't beauty contest winners on the outside but who shine because of their personalities and their positive energy.

Today let me accept myself as a lovely person, inside and out.

You are reading from the book:

Our Best Days by Sally Coleman & Nancy Hull-Mast

This article was titled: Ugly, Ugly, Ugly!

For too many days I care to remember, I always said these words to myself. What I didn't know was that as I healed from the inside out, that my reality changed, and as much as I didn't like some of the outside appearances, they were always subject to change; but the biggest change and the greatest beauty has been the gifts that I have received from within.

[frogdog]

Day 7.

Thanks Caressa, for the 'Ugly" post. It came on a good day.

I felt unattractive all day, perhaps because i am the oldest of the students in my group, perhaps because of my illfitting uniform, but more likely because I am hating myself these days.

I fake it well though. Fake it till you make it. So, it is only in my own mind that I think these things. I portray confidence and self-acceptance. I feel like I'm living a double life sometimes. (My husband does hear me degrade myself sometimes, which is really yucky for him).

But, it's 9 p.m. and I only thought of drinking 2 times today. Not bad, considering my mood.

I am really lucky in that I have spent the past decade doing social service work. It keeps me focused on others, in terms of learning about them and forces me to realize that I am very fortunate and lucky. Otherwise, I would be even more self-consumed and would feel more sorry for myself.

Today, I worked with 3 women who have schizophrenia and are low-functioning. They were so incredible. What great smiles and spirits!! They all have their issues w/ anger and negative feelings, but man, they are on top of things, even more so than my functional self. And, then later, I worked out at a housing for elderly and disabled. I met this guy with this incredible survivorship story. These folks are Lonely, you know? And, here I am feeling sorry for myself!

I'm going to work on being loving toward myself. That will be my mission tonight as I try to sleep.

Good night, and thank you Caressa for your thought-inspiring posts.

Frogdog

[Caressa2]

Thank you for sharing. While I was reading your post I got a couple of visions of my own.

One day I was walking to the doctors, and I passed two mentally challenged people sitting on a park bench. One said to the other, "Remember one day at a time!" I told my cousin, "I found this new concept! You just live one day at a time!" and she said, "Doesn't everybody do that?"

One day last fall I came limping into my buiding, very much into the, "Oh, Woe is Me" Syndrome, " and a woman was sitting in the lobby. Her first day out of her apartment since she had her foot amputated. She died as a result of that operations just after Christmas.

I must remember to be grateful, I have a leg to swell. I have a program to live, and I too have special people in my life who love me, even when I have those fat and ugly days.

[frogdog]

Day 8.

Something I overlook often when I'm feeling lonely or not good enough is that I have 5 very special people who love me regardless of scandal. If I make a fool of myself, act like a know it all, ask a dumb question in class, have funny looking hair, or am out of style, these five people love me anyway. They teach me to love myself.

Today was a lesson in understanding separateness.

My husband and I were walking our dogs. I allow my pups to visit neighbors' dogs, and they run up and down the fence playing with each other. My husband gets uptight about this. He feels like it intrudes upon the homeowner's lawn, though I'm careful about not letting the dogs rip up the lawn and I've never met a homeowner who cared. They always seem to be happy that their dog makes friends.

So, today, my husband got uptight. And, I realized he is not always going to like me or what I do. I don't have to convince him otherwise. I can recognize that his emotional response to my decisions are HIS, not mine. It's okay to maintain separateness when we're not on the same wavelength. It doesn't mean anything other than we've momentarily taken different paths.

I hope everyone is well. I am doing better.

Thank you Caressa, again, for your poignant post.

Peace,

Frogdog

[frogdog]

Day 9.

Don't have much to share, really. So, just checking in. Am feeling really good today.

Peace,

Frogdog

[frogdog]

Day 10.

A lot to say, but don't know where to start. At least am not considering drinking.

Frogdog

[bluidkiti]

Congratulations Frogdog on day 10! Keep hanging in there - one day at a time!

Love,
Tammy

[Tiger]

Hi Frogdog,

But, it's 9 p.m. and I only thought of drinking 2 times today...................

I refer you to my column....look up "the 7 magic words of AA".........

Good to use when the thought of a drink comes to mind!

Hang In There!..........Tiger